Lessons in Shame

I know how to hold a name between my teeth like a dog,
Keep it tucked so softly, there'd never be a question of whether it was made to be
Crushed or kept
How to carry something so heavy it breaks the jaw

I remember being yours (once)(almost)(never again)(never-ending)
My pain was always for you
All this blood soprettysoredsoglistening,
Soft like a still-beating heart in a fist
I will bleed myself dry for you,
I will cut myself open and dissect what you don't need or want,
Everything that makes me the ugliest thing that's ever held your body

You're going to make of me a martyr
I get to transform for you
And you and everyone else I ever loved too much can watch from the sidelines
While I tear apart whatever is keeping me haunted

I think that saying your fear out loud will make it come true
(And I think I must have whispered you into leaving)
I think I must have let you slip through my fingers whithout ever meaning to
I think I must have been stupid to ever think I could call you mine

This is a joke and it always was and so were you
And it is all so, so bloody in the end
I am used to being the punchline
(It doesn't make it hurt any less when it finally comes)
And when I am done being lonesome,
When years pass and I don't remember your name (or hers)
The red will still be stained on the walls
I will go to sleep and forget about the boy in the backseat

But my heart and my pride and my eardrums will keep ringing
Like the bells of sorror anchoring me to the past with their songs sung high at night

Remember when you were so wonderstruck,
So sure that love could save you
Remember when you gave it up so easily and still thought you could be the one
How laughable,
How pretty all that naivete made you

I wish I still held innocence in me,
I wish the smallest parts of me were worth something more than these tremoring hands,
Trembling fingers raised to light a cigarette or flatten a memory
Regret leaves a bitterness in the mouth that lodges into every crevice,
Between every tooth,
Becomes something to choke on by the time it reaches the back of the throat

And I am so tired of swallowing you,
Gulping down my anger and my hurt just for it to make me sick
And I am so sick
Of only being seen in the rearview mirror

I never asked you for forever
I won't apologize for wanting
And I won't shrink myself down to being good enough
I used to want to empty my body of everything you hate
I used to say I would never eat again if it made you want me,
Never cry again if it meant you loved me

Of course it hurt,
Of course I felt you fall in love with her
The same way I felt your disgust,
The same way I carried your shame
Of course you didn't think about the girl in the car
How she only fucked you with the lights off
Of course you never turned around

I hope you still drive down my street when all my ghosts are keeping you up at night
I hope her name sits heavy in your throat like a bad seed to choke on

I hope you know I'm not sorry for the insanity